In a 2012 interview, Dr. Patrick Carnes (the man who coined the term sex addiction) related a story about a patient who had been exposed to pornographic pictures as a young boy, and that man would continue to seek out the same kinds of pornography he saw in those pictures for years. Dr. Carnes stated that this man’s emotional development was stunted at the age when he first encountered those pictures and continued to seek them out. 1
This account is the general inspiration for Drew Boa’s book, Outgrow Porn. Drew believes the reason why porn is so hard for men to quit is because the little boy inside the man hasn’t grown up. The porn the boy discovered way back when is still a reliable solution for that boy to fall back on when life gets hard. Drew’s thesis in Outgrow Porn is that porn isn’t something that anyone quits but rather something that you outgrow in the same way you outgrow a pacifier. This outgrowing process can only happen through a series of healing steps.
“Heal the Boy to Free the Man”
This is the title of the book’s first chapter, and can rightly summarize all pages that follow to the closing cover. Why do you need to heal the boy? Because porn is essentially a relational injury or wound.
In the primary relationship of God & Man, all sins are a relational wound but sins involving porn and self-abuse (masturbation) are worse than most others. Sacramental marriage is meant to let man experience a unity modeled after the Divine Trinity. When husband and wife become one flesh, they become an indissoluble and life-giving unity.
Porn and self-abuse appropiate the sexual function and use it like a weapon to make a man feel lonely and isolated instead of loved and connected. Maybe this is what the man secretly wants, because the boy is relationally wounded by other people, and is afraid to be close to or trust others.
In Catholic tradition, masturbation has always been called the sin of self-abuse. This is easy to understand in context of the previous point about marriage (abuses the purpose of self as a gift for the spouse), but it also has a second, more literal meaning.
Men who have been exposed to porn as boys might have many different reasons for continually seeking out more of the images or videos they saw as boys.
- The fantasy (story) offers relief/release from a specific stressor
- The porn allows a controllable environment to explore the dynamics of some trauma
- The neurochemical effects of masturbating to porn is a reliable form of regulation
- There’s an emotional attachment to a specific kind of porn because of the context of first exposure
- A self-hatred bias is confirmed when viewing porn and committing self-abuse as a form of punishment
All of these reasons are explored in some detail in the book, and what they all seem to have in common is the process of pain.
Affective maturity is a man’s ability to understand and manage his emotions responsibly. One characteristic of having a high affective maturity level is the ability to have a realistic understanding of pain without catastrophizing its significance, and then being able to process it in a healthy way (talking about it with a friend, doing a soothing activity like soaking in a hot bath, letting the stressor go by entrusting all to God in prayer, et cetera).
In the absence of affective maturity, as with a man whose emotional development was stunted by pornography, pain is easily catastrophized so that it feels unbearable. The desire for a soother is rocketed to a level where the above solutions feel insufficient, or simply feel too foreign. Relational growth feels impossible as the only desired relationship is for bonding to porn, and the feelings of shame feel like they’re visible on the outside so there’s a desire to avoid being seen by others. Internally, all other sources of pleasure feel dull and the scope of pleasure is narrowed singularly to porn. Attempting to stop the behaviour feels like removing a leg from a table, or perhaps like an infant suddenly without his pacifier.
Despite being able to function like a mature adult in other areas of life, the sex addict has the affective maturity of a child. This isn’t to insult the addict, but to emphasize how Drew’s statement hits the nail squarely on the head: Heal the Boy to Free the Man.
How Does Healing Happen?
Indeed, the answer to this question is effectively the remaining nine chapters of the book.
Just like how possessing affective maturity involves understanding one’s own pain, Outgrow Porn contains many helpful insights and lessons in learning to understand the reasons why you desire porn. It contains explanations for the biological processes of regulation (the feeling of either being hyperaroused, or wanting to numb out, right before a porn session), guides the reader through deconstructing his fantasies in order to understand what his desires are telling him, and suggests how to redirect those desires so they can be fulfilled more effectively outside of porn than inside it.
Perhaps the most important thing Outgrow Porn will do for the reader though is teach self-compassion. I believe there isn’t a porn/sex addict anywhere in the world who doesn’t hold some level of self-hatred or shame over his addiction, past rejections, feelings of unwantedness, or something else.
Jay Stringer said:
“Yet deep down, we never stop longing for a compassionate witness—someone who sees us, who can attune to our pain, grieve alongside us, and celebrate our growth, helping us believe that trauma does not have the last word.” 2
The way Drew writes, it’s impossible to read Outgrow Porn without feeling like Drew is that compassionate witness who sees us, attunes to our pain, and grieves alongside us. And by the end of the book, as he congratulates us for reaching the last page, celebrates our growth and helps us believe trauma doesn’t have the last word.
Be kind to yourself. Self-kindness is the first step to no longer being an addict.
Verdict
Outgrow Porn is an easy recommendation.
You can buy it here: https://a.co/d/09myswRy (non-affiliate link)
If you can’t afford it, here’s a link to a podcast episode which covers the first two chapters of the book and bits and pieces of other chapters: https://podcast.husbandmaterial.com/713910/episodes/5499751-how-to-outgrow-porn-intro-to-hma